Susie’s Thoughts

This is my latest painting, it took me two years to finish it. I’m not going to write anything myself today, but since this is the day we celebrate the Swedish language in Finland, I will quote the ending words from the Kalevala, the epic poem of Finland. The Kalevala was originally written down and recorded in Finnish, by Swedish speaking Finns, so I think it is an appropriate poem to add to this painting.

When my loving mother left me,
Young was I, and low of stature;
Like the cuckoo of the forest,
Like the thrush upon the heather,
Like the lark I learned to twitter,
Learned to sing my simple measures,
Guided by a second mother,
Stern and cold, without affection;
Drove me helpless from my chamber
To the wind-side of her dwelling,
To the north-side of her cottage,
Where the chilling winds in mercy
Carried off the unprotected.
As a lark I learned to wander,
Wander as a lonely song-bird,
Through the forests and the fenlands
Quietly o’er hill and heather;
Walked in pain about the marshes,
Learned the songs of winds and waters,
Learned the music of the ocean,
And the echoes of the woodlands.

Many men that live to murmur,
Many women live to censure,
Many speak with evil motives;
Many they with wretched voices
Curse me for my wretched singing,
Blame my tongue for speaking wisdom,
Call my ancient songs unworthy,
Blame the songs and curse the singer.
Be not thus, my worthy people,
Blame me not for singing badly,
Unpretending as a minstrel.
I have never had the teaching,
Never lived with ancient heroes,
Never learned the tongues of strangers,
Never claimed to know much wisdom.
Others have had language-masters,
Nature was my only teacher,
Woods and waters my instructors.
Homeless, friendless, lone, and needy,
Save in childhood with my mother,
When beneath her painted rafters,
Where she twirled the flying spindle,
By the work-bench of my brother,
By the window of my sister,
In the cabin of my father,
In my early days of childhood.

Source: The Kalevala: Epilogue translated into english by John Martin Crawford, 1888
Scanned at sacred-texts.com, July 2000. John B. Hare, redactor. This text is in the public domain. These files may be used for any non-commercial purpose, provided this notice of attribution is left intact.

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It’s funny how time changes the way we see things, time changes the way we see people. It’s in the little things we do to each other, the little things we say.

I saw my last boyfriend today, the one I moved in with after selling my house. I was never deeply in love with him, he was more like a friend I had warm feelings for. At that time I thought it was a good thing, I didn’t want to be truly, madly, deeply in love again. He had gone through a couple of bad divorces and I had too, so I thought we would understand each other.

People warned me about him, they told me he was trouble. I didn’t listen because I had known him since we were teenagers and I wasn’t afraid of trouble. He was more trouble than I thought. I knew he liked his beer, but he had managed to hide how much. I knew he had been a member of a gang, I didn’t know he was still connected. He was the main caretaker of his sons from a previous marriage, so I thought he had settled down.

We dated for a year before I and my kids moved in with him and his kids. During the time we dated he managed to hide that he drank almost every day… or maybe I didn’t want to see it. It took me a couple of weeks to realize he had severe alcohol problems. It took me another couple of weeks to realize that he was still connected with the gang and he was proud of his best friend getting in and out from prison for drug dealing.

I was never afraid of him, he is a big man, and even though I’m short I was bigger than him. I wasn’t even afraid of him when he picked his magnum and started shooting frogs in his back yard. Strength is not in your body, strength is in your mind.

After the frog incident I got my own place and I haven’t seen him until today. He is still the same, he’s married again, got one more kid, but still drinks, he’s still immature and I suspect he still shoots frogs in his back yard.

The lesson learned is to have an open mind when you connect with people, but look at the small things they do and say. What you see might not be who they actually are, so wait and listen, take notice of what they say and also what they leave unsaid. Look at what they do, who they interact with and who they admire. And never be afraid of those that are bigger than you, be careful, but not afraid, you might have a stronger mind. Be afraid though, if you are a frog…

I love colors, I love the smell of wet paint and I love the way the colors work when mixing them on the palette. Sometimes when I start a painting, like the blue mountains, I know exactly what I want to paint. I was happy painting the blue mountains, I was inspired by some beautiful poetry and I wanted to paint the feeling of being on the top and not knowing what is underneath.

When the painting was ready, I looked at it and suddenly I felt the painting lacked something, it was too blue. I felt my painting needed a companion, someone by its side to complete, but also to differ. I had a photograph taken from my most favorite place in the world, a beach nearby where I live, but the photograph wasn’t of the sea itself, it was a peace of thin ice covering some rocks and some dead sea weed.

I put up a canvas beside the finished painting and started on the new one. I painted for a while before I realized that there was a reflection of my mountains in the thin ice. This is how I build my life, let the past reflect my future and yet not build a future exactly the same as the past.

What takes your breath away? What makes your knees go soft and make you feel you need to get something to hold on to? What makes your heart beat faster? When asking these questions I’m pretty sure most of us think of a special person in our lives; either one that has been a part of our lives, is a part of our lives right now or hopefully will be a part of our lives in the future.

When I ask myself these questions, I don’t see anyone I know or have known, I see a dream of something I want to experience, but yet have to find. I call my previous relationships failures, not because they didn’t work out, but because I failed to be the best me I can be together with the men I had chosen. I loved, I laughed and I was happy, but I wasn’t the best I could be.

I lose my breath when someone sees me for who I am, with all the imperfections that are there, all the annoying habits I’ve collected through the years, and still think I’m worth spending time with.

I forget to breathe when someone is strong enough to cope with my bad temper and still love me.

My knees go weak when someone notice’s I’m overwhelmed and reach out a hand to support me.

My heart starts beating faster when someone has made an effort to find me a present that I really need, instead of just buying the most expensive thing they can afford, as if the money they spent on the present is more important than finding out my needs and desires.

I’m totally sold when someone says; Don’t stop breathing, you’ll need the air, because I will be here tomorrow too…

We got the first snow last week and even though the snow is gone already I had to pick out some summer pictures and edit them… just a small reminder of what has been!

The summer is definitely over now. I like the summer… the warm sun, the bright colors and the light nights. I like the spring too, when everything is new, fresh and fragile. But most of all I like the autumn… The clear, cold air that wakes me up when I go out for a walk in the morning… the colors… all the shades of yellow, orange, red and the dark earthly brown… the weather might one minute be sunny and warm and the next minute the sky turns dark and there is a heavy rain. The spring is a promise of something that will be; the autumn is the fulfilling of that promise. The fragile blossom has turned into juicy and tasty fruit.

A sunset is sometimes a nostalgic moment; a long and nice day has ended. Sometimes a sunset is as a relief; we look at it and reflect over the day that has gone, before we settle in peace for the approaching night. What I find interesting is that a sunset and the autumn presents itself with the same kind of colors, but we humans, when we approach the autumn of our lives, we start wearing darker and duller colors. We hold back and settle down, when we should enjoy the fruit and sparkle…

The painting to the right is my latest painting. It is supposed to be placed together with the blue mountains painting.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that my sister recently got married. Today I was looking through some of the pictures from the wedding that I wanted to delete because they weren’t that good. I found one I could rescue and I think it turned out pretty decent.