Susie’s Thoughts

My sisters keep saying I should start writing about our family’s life. I have been playing with the thought because our lives sometimes are completely crazy. I guess if I actually would get the time to write it would be something between Sex and the City and any of Marian Keyes novels. Well, I would have to write in Swedish, that’s the only language I’m comfortable enough with. I did dream of becoming a writer, but I put a time line on it and thought that if I hadn’t published anything before I turned 30 I would give it up.

I got a message today from the dating site. It had only a couple of lines in it and I had pointed out in my profile that I don’t answer messages with too little in them. This guy looked cute though, so I replied asking for a little more information. His answer was that there wasn’t anything more to tell and he was waiting for me to come and visit him. I can’t decide upon if it’s sad or funny… a complete life in a couple of sentences!

On the other hand, it got me thinking… am I sometimes talking too much, am I too open about who I am and leave nothing for others to find out? Where goes the line between being honest and open and revealing too much? The poet I’ve been talking about even knows what kind of sex I like and we’re only some kind of online friends… I know some about him, but I don’t know what turns him on or what kind of sex he likes… what kind of friendship is that!

I’ve been thinking about intimacy lately… what builds intimacy and what intimacy really is all about. Some people think that intimacy equals sex. That’s not true… at least it isn’t for me. I’ve had sex without feeling any connection with the man at all… I’ve felt a real connection with someone and been really close without sex… The difficult thing is to explain the connection and closeness. Is it something that is given to me or is it something I give myself? The eternal question about what came first, the chicken or the egg…

One thing I know for sure though is that I’m not ready to build up a connection with a man if he can’t make me laugh or at least smile and on the Net that means he has to talk to me, he has to have had more things going on in his life than a couple of lines of text…

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Poetry, Rants, Woman & Power

I was randomly browsing through some blogs and were thinking… nothing new here. This is like the personal websites people used to put up 10 years ago. Then I found this one and had to change my mind.

Maybe it’s with men as with blogs… you have to browse through a lot of boring ones to find the good ones…

For a year I’ve been reading poems written by the same poet and always found myself in them. The poet is a man and even though I have been able to relate to the feelings he write about, most of the time reading I hoped a man would feel like that for me. Since yesterday I have been reading these poems written by a woman and I have to admit I relate to those poems better. I guess it takes a woman to be able to tell how a woman feels. Yet there are so many romantic poems and other romantic rubbish written by women I can’t relate to at all. And there are a many women that I don’t get at all, and there are a lot of men I can relate to completely… I guess it has to be the right mix of gender and personality for me to like it and get it…

Someone asked me today about what makes me really happy. It was quite a coincidence because I have asked the person I’m trying not to email the same thing. He told me he didn’t know the answer to that question and at first I thought I couldn’t answer either. But I do know what makes me really happy. The smile in the eyes of the man I love when he sees me… that’s what makes me really happy. Unfortunately there isn’t such a man in my life right now. I know there are men that get a smile in their eyes when they see me, but the smile comes from remembering the last joke I told them, so that doesn’t really count.

During the summer I played a multi-player online role-playing game. Haven’t played at all for a couple of months, but I logged on last night and did get a really warm welcoming from my char’s husband and the other people in the guild. It was so nice to see that my husband hadn’t divorced me even though I was the absent wife. In virtual reality even husbands stay faithful, it’s not fair… I’m going to start playing again so if you want to meet me go to the website http://www.conqueronline.com/ and download the game (it’s a free game). I’m playing on the Tiger server and my game name is Sueshin. Please, if you start playing or already are a player, whisper me in the game… it would be so exciting to actually talk to someone who has been reading my blog.

I haven’t had any luck with the dating site today, but I did get an IM from a guy I chatted with last weekend. It was nice hearing from him. He’s a journalist and has planned a trip around the world on his motorbike. I love to talk to people that actually has something to talk about. This guy is 29 years old… I seem to attract younger guys too and that is nice. I’m no age racist, but lets face it… younger guys come with less baggage. I guess you could say that older women have a lot of baggage too. At least that’s what men my age complains about. I know I have baggage… I’ve used a year of my life pouring it all out in a lot of emails. Some people call it life experience and value it… dunno, I would be more than happy to leave it behind and travel lighter in the future.

I promised the journalist that I would go to India and meet him when the wind blows that way, he wanted me to come sooner… the disadvantages of online dating is that all the interesting men are somewhere far away. Who knows, maybe I’ll leave all my baggage and start travelling the world with this guy. I wouldn’t mind that at all…

By the way, one of the purposes of this blog is to stop emailing a poet I’ve been completely smitten by for a year now. The blog haven’t helped yet… hopefully it will be a medicine that will start working eventually.

Ok, this is the first day of my blog… don’t even know what to do with this. The thing is that I have been drowning a certain person with emails and just know I have to stop. I still want to somehow express myself and share my thoughts and this seem to be a good way to do that.
I’ve been single for a long time and have finally decided to do something about it. Sooo, I’ve put up an ad on a dating site and have gotten some responses… it’s quite fun and have given me a lot of laughs… Not sure I will find someone this way though, at least for now my ad has attracted the wrong type of men… hmm, maybe I should change my ad a bit. Actually there have been a couple of good responses and I have liked talking to some of the guys. It’s only those who think that me responding is the same as a relationship that I find annoying.

I know the best way of finding someone would be to go out and do things here in my hometown. My town isn’t big enough, I’ve already seen them all… oh, I haven’t TRIED them all, hopefully you didn’t think that… there might still be a treasure somewhere…

I’m just so tired of all those men whining about their ex’s and what they didn’t do right… Ironically all guys seem to complain that there aren’t any good women left in our town AND at the same time I’m here complaining that there aren’t any good men left here either. I think I’m bored, want to try something new…

I guess this blog is going to be about a single, middle-aged woman talking about life, love, being single and trying to date online… and what I need in my life to be happy and content.

Read and enjoy!