Susie’s Thoughts

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When I was 30 years old I wrote a book. I had always wanted to become a writer, but never had the energy to finish anything. I had a lot of stories in my head, but never got time enough to put them down on paper. When I was in the middle of the first break-up with my youngest daughters father, this was before she was born, I entered a writing contest and wrote a book about my divorce and my relationship with this new guy. I didn’t win the contest and decided after that to put my energy on my paintings instead. This was the only novel I have ever finished.

I still have the manuscript somewhere, but the most important sentences of that book will always be something I remember. This is what I wrote, a free translation from Swedish into English.

You entered my life as a soothing wind when I was in the middle of the hurricane my divorce had become. I will always remember the happiness loving you brought me. I had never experienced that type of happiness before in my life, I had never experienced passion. Little did I understand that you can’t grab love and hold on to it. Love is like a butterfly, a beautiful and colorful butterfly. If you capture a butterfly and close your hands around it, you will crush its wings and it will die. Its beauty will be forever gone. But if you hold out your hand, open it up and wait patiently and with trust… maybe, maybe will the butterfly choose your hand to rest upon and you can admire it in all it’s glory. Love is never yours to own and keep, love is only yours to give, to share… if you love something you set it free, if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t come back it wasn’t yours to begin with…

You entered my life when I was beaten and humbled, you collected the pieces of my broken heart and put them together again. I didn’t understand there were room for that much love in my heart. I thought, at one point, that I would never question your love for me and yet I did. I never doubted my love for you, but I did doubt your love for me many, many times… my weakness is that I really never believed I’m worth loving… You know, my friend, his words
did get to me… the man you despise so much for what he did to me, the man that had decided to one way or another prevent me from ever finding happiness again… I didn’t want to believe him when he said I’m not worth loving, I didn’t want to believe him when he said the only way to make me understand no one would ever love me was to beat the silly thoughts out of my mind… yet those words got to me and I started doubting you… Now when you’re gone, when what I feared have happened… it doesn’t matter anymore whether you loved me or not, the only thing that matters is, that after all what’s happened me, I am able to love and to trust…

This was the beginning of the story and it did get a happy ending, because at that point my own love story had a happy ending too. If I were to write the story again, it would get a different ending. It wouldn’t get a sad ending, even though we usually think that a love story is sad if the lovers don’t end up together, but it would be more of a story on healing your heart and getting your self-esteem back than how to find the love of your life. At that stage in my life I couldn’t do anything more than I did, I had a lot of healing to do and realizing that my heart was able to feel love was a wonderful thing. The man I gave my heart to was not the kind of man I thought he was, and maybe he wasn’t worthy of the love I had for him, but it doesn’t really matter. Without him I wouldn’t be who I am today… that is the only thing that does matter, and I wouldn’t want to be something else than what I am.

I got a link by email yesterday that I’m supposed to hand over to my students. I teach at a business school, and since we have study programs in international business and in business travel management, our students need to learn about the business culture in other countries. There’s a new website with information about the business culture in different European countries and this is what the website tell us about Finns and how to interact with Finns.

I guess it’s good to know that Finns kiss as well as the next nation, makes it a lot easier for our international students (and other men too) to know what to do with Finnish girls… If you want to date a Finnish girl you will do fine as long as you follow some simple rules.

Here’s a quote from the Passport to Trade site:

When greeting, the parties shake hands, nod their heads and make eye contact. A Finnish handshake is brief and firm, and involves no supporting gestures such as touching the shoulder or upper arm. When greeting a married couple, the wife should be greeted first, except on a formal occasion where the hosts should first be greeted by the spouse to whom the invitation was addressed. Children are greeted by shaking hands, too.

Embracing people when greeting them is rare in Finland. Finns can kiss as well as the next nation, but they rarely do so when greeting. Hand-kissing is rare, although some women find it charming. Friends and acquaintances may hug when meeting, and kisses on the cheek are not entirely unknown, although this habit is not generally found in countryside areas. There is no special etiquette regarding the number of kisses on the cheek – however, most Finns feel that three kisses is going a bit far.

Altogether, Finnish people are quite reserved and thus any expression of feelings should be kept to the minimum not to cause any embarrassment. A smile is always appreciated, though.

When you want to negotiate with a Finnish girl whether you’re allowed to walk her home or not, remember this:

Negotiation

Finns are modest about their achievements, and you should do the same. Do
not expect immediate feedback or a lot of questions. The silence indicates they are thinking about what you have said. Silence in conversations is considered an accepted aspect of social interaction. Two- to three-minute pauses of silence are common. Do not interrupt this silence. You should also not talk when someone else is talking. Interrupting is regarded as rude.

If you’re lucky and she let you walk her home and even invite you in for coffee, remember this:

It is important to keep one’s commitments and to the timescales agreed upon. In cases when this is not possible all parties involved should be informed about the problems.

Finns are mostly modest, low-key and factual – and expect the same from others, too. Meetings tend to be brief and to the point. Everyone is expected to enter the meeting well prepared. Finns are very straightforward in their acts and talk. They mean what they say. And sometimes Finnish frankness may even seem a bit tactless. But after all their way of communicating is quite uncomplicated, which is rather refreshing.

All I can say is… Good Luck!

Rolando tagged me with this handwriting meme and since this is a fast one I decided to do it right away.
This is the message (for those of you who can’t read it…)

Rolando tagged me with this handwriting meme. I don’t like to write in lines, most of the time I do mind maps.

I tag the following people

Hope at Hope Radio

Dawn at AntiBarbie

Morgan at The Process of a Miracle

Joanne at the laid back buddhist

Melissa at SuchSimplepleasures

My best sunshine to you all!

Susie

I was looking over my finances a couple of days ago and thought it would be nice to have some extra money on my trip to Florida. I’ve never gotten any money for free, so I knew extra money would mean more work and my schedule is already full. I got what I asked for without even asking, I got more work and extra money and the work has to be done now in a couple of weeks. I’m going to be really busy and something has to give. I haven’t painted in more than a month and my camera starts to look really dusty, those are things that can’t give anymore than they already given…. so it has to be blogging. I’ll try to write something short at least every other day, and I will try visit my favorite blogs, but unfortunately I will not be able to do more than that. We have a little snow now, so I’m hoping I will have time to photograph while it is still light outside and put the photographs up here, we’ll have to see about that.

This post is a response to Rolando’s comment to my Facing fears post. In his comment Rolando said:

“I don’t have an answer to your question, but I would say that you have to take a risk in being hurt to take a chance on love. You’d have to want to be in love to find love.”

I agree with Rolando when he says that you have to want to be in love to find love. I have wanted to be in love and I have also several times opened my heart for love. I’m not afraid of being hurt, because being hurt in love doesn’t kill us. It hurts for a while, but life goes on.

The thing is… you can’t separate love or a relationship from the rest of your life.

I became a mother at an early age and from that day on I’ve been caring for my children’s needs before mine. That is how it is supposed to be, we become parents and we make sure our children gets a good start in life. Unfortunately I didn’t choose wisely when I chose fathers to my children, I chose men that have been lacking in their abilities to be fathers and to be husbands, I chose men that were like my own father. I’ve been alone being a parent and that job have taken all the strength I’ve had.

I didn’t have the right tools to judge men. Over and over again I fell for men that became another of my children. I don’t blame the men, they are who they are. I don’t really blame myself either, I didn’t know better.

This brings me back to the reason I started blogging again. Three of my children are adults and the fourth is a teenager. I’ve been a mother since I was 20 and I’m now 45. For the first time in my life I am able to look after me and my needs. I still have one child to care for and I still have people turning to me every time they are in trouble and need some help, but the truth is that I can start building my life on my needs more than on others. I can finally decide what I will become when I grow up…

It isn’t easy to build a life at the age of 45. I am who I am, I know I’m a great woman, but I still have a lot of old habits I need to change. I’ve got a lot of life in me and I have to decide what to do with all that life. I know I want a man in my life, but I don’t want a man that is another child. I need to learn what a man really is. I need to learn how to separate the men that would only be another child in my life, from the men that are able to appreciate the love I can offer, the love of an adult and independent woman.

I like being a teacher and I don’t mind teaching computer science. After all, I know my computers and I know my software’s. Even though I’m not a qualified teacher I’m a good teacher and I’m appreciated both by my students and my coworkers. I’m an artist too, I love photography and I love painting. I’ve worked since the age of 17 and I don’t think I will ever want to completely retire, but I want to work with what I love to do, I want to work with art and use all my skills, both the artistic and the geeky bits.

At this point in my life I don’t know what I want more, a man by my side or to work with what I love to do. This is what my blog is for… to help me build my life, to help me see what I want, which path to choose, what corner to turn next. I believe that only when you open your doors and windows wide open, will you be able the throw out the old and bring in the new. My blog and my thoughts are my opened windows and opened doors to the rest of my life…

Joanne at the laid.back buddhist tagged me with this meme and now I have to reveal even more about me. Soon there will be no secrets left.

1. I’m actually a really shy person even though it doesn’t show. One day in high school I got tired of being shy and stood up in front of the whole school and held a speech. I was still shy after that, but I knew I wouldn’t die of it.
2. When I get drunk I always tell the truth. One time I got drunk with my boss and I told him what I really thought of him and all the things I thought he did wrong. After that we became the best of friends.
3. I manipulate men with my smile. It was a lot easier to get a drunken guy out of the cab by smiling at him than dragging him out. Even passed out guys wake up when I smile. When I was a little girl I was called sunshine because I smiled all the time. I guess I already then knew I could get what I want with a simple smile.
4. When I want a man I make sure I get him. I don’t believe in waiting around for a guy to notice me and I hate games like playing hard to get. If this scares the guy and he wants the chase, then he isn’t the right guy for me. I never understood why there are books about how to attract the opposite sex. This is not something you can learn by following some simple rules in a book, this is something you have to learn by doing… (Disclaimer: If a man is taken I don’t want him, so this only applies on single men)
5. I talk to everything around me; animals, houses, rocks, trees, people, the earth, the sky… everything. Sometimes I get so tired of talking, so I lock myself in somewhere and I don’t want to see or hear anything for several days… and I don’t talk.
6. I’m not one of those positive and upbeat people that always have something cheerful to say. I do smile a lot, but there are times when I walk through the valley of darkness. I’m not afraid of the darkness and I’m not afraid of the dark, I believe we need both light and darkness in our lives to be whole and healthy people. I don’t believe in snapping out of darkness, I believe in living it through.
7. I almost never ask people questions about themselves. When I meet someone new I tell about me and then I wait and see what they tell me back. I get a lot more information by examining how people choose to present themselves. I never only listen to what people say, I also listen to the way they say it, the words we use usually tells more than the actual message.

I haven’t tagged anyone before, so I guess it’s time to do that now. The people I’m going to tag are people that I want to know something more about. Hopefully they haven’t been tagged before with this same meme. I checked, but if I missed something I’m sorry.

The first one I’m going tag is Delmer at What’s a Delmer Look like? Delmer is pretty open about himself, but I’m sure there are still some things we don’t know about him.

The second tag will be Hawk at Hawk’s place. Ever since he asked me what the words Hawk’s Haunt brought to my mind I have wanted to know what made him ask such a question. I’ve been waiting patiently for him to reveal the reason, maybe there will be a clue in this meme.

The third tag will be Jon at Chimeric Day Dreams. Jon is the type of man I have never met in real life. More than once when I have read his blog have I wondered if he is a real person. Everything unfamiliar intrigues me and that’s the reason for this tag.

The fourth tag will be for Rolando at RPlayground. Rolando is building up a real community around his blog and who wouldn’t want to know the secrets of a person with that big of a heart.

Might be that I am supposed to tag more than 4, but I’m not going to. I’m only going to tag men, because men are sometimes a big mystery to me. I can’t be sure of course, since I haven’t met any of these men in real life, but I think these 4 men represent different ways of being a man and if they take the challenge of the meme, I might have a better clue of what a man might be.

When I was a child I was scared of dogs. My fear had real reasons, at a really early age two big German Shepard’s tried to love me to death. I was only a year old and the dogs tried to play with me as if I were another dog. How was I supposed to know they didn’t want to eat me alive?

When I was 12 my parents decided it was time for me to do something about my fear and they bought a dog. At first I hated them… I hated them for about a week and after that I fell in love with the dog. I still have a healthy respect for dogs, but I’m not scared of them anymore.

The lesson I learned here was that we need to face our fears to get over them. Look the danger in the eye and you’ll see that it might not be that scary after all.

There are still two things in life that scare me.

I’m scared of heights. Every time I stand on top of something high enough I feel like it’s dragging me down, and I feel a strong urge to jump. I have promised myself to one day jump from a plane. An urge that strong has to be followed and facing the fear is the best way of overcoming it.

The second thing I’m scared of is romantic love. I don’t know how to be romantic and romantic men scare me. I would want to believe that there is such a thing as a life long commitment, and reciting poetry over candlelight dinners. I have tried the candlelight dinners and after 30 minutes of it I got a strong urge to run.

I apologize to all romantic men in advance for what I am about to say, but honestly, when I happen upon you, I think you are lying and manipulating me. When you look me deep into my eyes and tell me how I’m the woman you have searched for all your life (and you’ve only known me for 30 minutes), I think you’re saying that because somewhere you’ve read that that is what a women wants to hear. Well, I am a woman so of course I will feel flattered for a second or two, and if you’ve got beautiful and soulful eyes I might even glance back for a while, but don’t think I will allow you to walk me home.

If you tell me all the time how beautiful I am, and how cute I am when I make my silly, little mistakes I think you’re patronising me. If you praise everything I do, I either think you’re really insecure, or I think you want something from me, something you know I’m reluctant to give.

I don’t know how to overcome the fear of romantic love or romantic men. I don’t even know if there is a need to overcome that fear.

I know how to love my family and friends, and even though my love sometimes might be a bitter medicine to swallow, I know my family and friends love me back. I have a little idea in my head, a silly idea maybe, but one that I can’t give up… that idea is about real love between a woman and a man, not as the romantic love described above… no candlelight dinners unless the only light available is candles, but jumping out of a plane side by side… facing fears together…

Hawk dedicated a song to all ladies who reads his blog, and that got me thinking about what a lady really is. I don’t think I’m a lady, but I’m not sure. Here’s a few facts of me, some which I think could fit what I think a lady is and some that isn’t that lady-like.

I make my own soap because I love the feeling of being cleaned by home-made soap. My own soap is almost the only beauty product I use. Sometimes I buy make-up and lotions, but I always forget to use them.

I don’t use jewelry or glitter, because I feel there is no need for decorations. Once in a while I put on both make-up and glitter and try to behave in a lady-like manner… just because a woman is supposed to. The picture above is three years old and from one of those occasions.

There are very few photos of me because I swear the camera steals a piece of my soul each time and it’s never the most flattering piece.

I almost never drink, but I can drink a shot of vodka straight and all in one sip. More than once have I had to prove this and that always leads me into trouble.

I don’t use foul language even though I know all the words in the book. I think that cussing and swearing only shows that you have nothing to say, and I usually only talk when I have something to say.

All my ex’s tells me I’m a cold-hearted woman because I don’t whine or weep. When things don’t go my way I may throw a plate at you instead. I suspect they think I’m cold-hearted because I dared to leave them.

I hate shopping. I usually try to shop online and get more things at once so that I don’t have to deal with the necessity of shopping too often.

Cleaning the house is boring, house’s should understand to clean themselves. I do it because I have to, but I’m not organized or effective.

If I could decide, I would walk bare-feet all the time. I only wear socks when it’s so cold outside I have to. I only own 4 pairs of high-heeled shoes and I only wear those a couple of times a year.

I always build my own computers, I want to know what each part in the computer does and why it’s there. If a gadget in my house breaks I first check if I can fix it myself before I ask for help. I also know how to put on new tires on a car.

I used to be a feminist and burned my bra, I’m still a feminist but I had to change my mind on the bra thing because of gravity and the laws of nature.

When I got married I had jeans and a t-shirt and after the ceremony we got drunk on vodka, I can’t remember the rest of the night, I just know what people told me.

I don’t cry often, but if I do I never have a hankie handy. More than once have I had to be saved by a real lady handing me one of hers.

I could probably continue forever with this list, but the more I write the less of a lady I seem to be so I will stop now and ask you; “What do you think a Lady is?”

When life outside gets gray and stale,
I try to find the brightest spot and paint myself some light…