I know I said I wouldn’t blog this weekend, but today daylight saving time ended and we moved from summer to winter time giving us one more hour for one day. I’m going to use that hour for blogging. I wonder if I have a life of not???
I did hop over to AntiBarbie’s site last night and did the Color Crayon test. I’m a blue crayon… I love blue, I almost always manage to get some blue in my paintings, doesn’t matter how much, but one small spot of blue will usually do it.
| You Are a Blue Crayon |
 Your world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors. You are a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find. On the inside, you tend to be emotional and even a bit moody. However, you know that people depend on you. So you put on a strong front.Your color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they’re saying. |
I guess in a way that this is quite accurate. I’m a Cancer and even though I don’t fully believe in horoscopes there are bits and pieces in it that fit on me. I am emotional and moody inside, I can even be mushy at times, but I tend to put up a tough and strong front because that’s what’s expected from me. I admire emotional people because they allow themselves to show what they feel, but yet I wouldn’t want to share my life with a person who’s all about emotions without common sense. There has to be a good balance between emotions and good practical common sense. It’s OK to have your head in the clouds, but keep your feet well grounded on the earth and you will be fine.
I was a silly little girl with dreams at the age of 17 and I guess I’m still a silly little girl with dreams at the age of 45. The difference is that I know which part of the dreams are there to fill a void caused by previous experiences and which is there because it’s something I have learned I need to be happy. And happiness comes from being able to make your dreams come true, even though it might take some time and even though at times it seems the path you’ve chosen is a crooked path.
I have written about the others, but not the first one… the one I’ve chosen to forget. I have to leave my blog for the weekend, have too much work I’ve neglected, and since I’ve written to get closure on my other relationships, I guess I have to get closure on this one too.
I was 16 when we met and he was 5 years older. The only man older than me that I ever dated, all the other one’s have been my age or younger. My parents didn’t approve of him, he was a sailor and they thought his lifestyle wasn’t good for me. I guess they were right even though I couldn’t see it then.
He was my first boyfriend and I was a romantic, silly, little girl. I had a dream of one true love and I didn’t understand that you can’t fit a dream on any person, you have to find the person who fits the dream. He never saw me as the person I am, he wanted me to be something he had in his head, something only he could understand. He is the reason my thoughts are my own because he tried to deny me them. If you try to deny a woman her thoughts, you make sure she will stick to them and never change her mind. If you give her the time to figure out things on her own, she might eventually come around and admit you are right.
I never wanted to be the ruler of the house, but neither did I want him to be that. Yet, every day he tried to show his power until I wasn’t sure I existed anymore. I gave him ten years, but one morning I took a close look at myself in the mirror and noticed that I was still there, I did exist, I had my own thoughts and my own mind. From that day on I slept on the coach until I got my own home.
It’s funny how time changes the way we see things, time changes the way we see people. It’s in the little things we do to each other, the little things we say.
I saw my last boyfriend today, the one I moved in with after selling my house. I was never deeply in love with him, he was more like a friend I had warm feelings for. At that time I thought it was a good thing, I didn’t want to be truly, madly, deeply in love again. He had gone through a couple of bad divorces and I had too, so I thought we would understand each other.
People warned me about him, they told me he was trouble. I didn’t listen because I had known him since we were teenagers and I wasn’t afraid of trouble. He was more trouble than I thought. I knew he liked his beer, but he had managed to hide how much. I knew he had been a member of a gang, I didn’t know he was still connected. He was the main caretaker of his sons from a previous marriage, so I thought he had settled down.
We dated for a year before I and my kids moved in with him and his kids. During the time we dated he managed to hide that he drank almost every day… or maybe I didn’t want to see it. It took me a couple of weeks to realize he had severe alcohol problems. It took me another couple of weeks to realize that he was still connected with the gang and he was proud of his best friend getting in and out from prison for drug dealing.
I was never afraid of him, he is a big man, and even though I’m short I was bigger than him. I wasn’t even afraid of him when he picked his magnum and started shooting frogs in his back yard. Strength is not in your body, strength is in your mind.
After the frog incident I got my own place and I haven’t seen him until today. He is still the same, he’s married again, got one more kid, but still drinks, he’s still immature and I suspect he still shoots frogs in his back yard.
The lesson learned is to have an open mind when you connect with people, but look at the small things they do and say. What you see might not be who they actually are, so wait and listen, take notice of what they say and also what they leave unsaid. Look at what they do, who they interact with and who they admire. And never be afraid of those that are bigger than you, be careful, but not afraid, you might have a stronger mind. Be afraid though, if you are a frog…
Savage garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply
I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful ’cause I’m counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning. Yeah..I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea.
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down over me.And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I’ll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we’re surrounded by the comfort and protection of..
The highest powers. In lonely hours. The tears devour you..I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea.
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down over me…Oh can you see it baby?
You don’t have to close your eyes ’cause it’s standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come…I’ll be your dream I’ll be your wish I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love, be everything that you need.
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do…I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea.
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down over me…I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea.
I wanna live like this forever,
Until the sky falls down over me…
When I was building my house I had two jobs, my main job in the taxi central and a second job as a taxi driver. The love of my life was also a taxi driver, that’s how we met. He drove me to the court house when I signed the final papers for my divorce. I started driving a cab when we had already been in our on-off relationship for a couple of years. When I started driving we were only friends, he had a new woman in his life and they were expecting a baby. Their relationship wasn’t problem free, she wanted the baby, but she wasn’t sure she wanted him… or that was what he told me. He was a good friend though, he was the first one responding when I was in a car accident and had to be taken to the hospital.
I started listening to Savage garden’s Truly, Madly, Deeply the summer the love of my life’s new woman decided she didn’t want him in her life. That was when he started to talk about us getting together again. I truly believed he was mine because I had set him free, but he was returning to me.
All this happened in the summer and all of you who have been in Scandinavia in the summer knows that the nights are really light, it doesn’t really get dark. The light summer nights make people do all sorts of crazy things, we start to believe in dreams again. I loved to work night shifts in the summer. I loved the sunrises, I loved it when the world woke up again, the birds started singing, the sun starting to warm up the earth and the flowers reaching out for more.
When my shift was over I used to bath in the sea before I went home to get some sleep. I was always bathing alone though so I should have realized I was alone in my dream. Some men are just not cut out to dream or bath naked in a sea an early summer morning when only the birds are awake…
This happened 13 years ago and today when I see him I understand that the dream was more about who I am than about him. I still love to bath in the open sea an early summer morning when only the birds are awake. If someone wants to join me, feel free to do so, but I’m fine bathing on my own…
This post is inspired by the contest at Debo Hobo Dot Com where you are supposed to write a letter to your younger self with advice on what you could do better in life. When I entered the contest I started thinking about all the decisions I’ve made through my life and how they have made me who I am today.
I got engaged and ran away from home when I was 17 and have been providing for myself since. At times I’ve even been providing for a man, and I’m still providing for some of my children.
I moved to Sweden when I was 18 and got married the same year too. Our dream was to move to Australia where my uncle lives. Today I’m happy we didn’t move.
I became a mother when I was 20 and was a mother of three at the age of 23.
I moved back to Finland at the age of 23, I guess I already then saw the ending of my marriage approaching, but I decided to work on it some more.
I got a divorce when I was 28 and I still can’t remember exactly what day it was, neither can I remember the exact date I got married. Some things are better to forget.
I met the man I thought was the love of my life a week after my divorce.
I built a house at the age of 30 because I wanted to have something I could call my own home. The love of my life had left me and got a baby with another woman. I said, “If you love something, set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was yours….” The love of my life came back and I thought he was mine.
I got our baby at the age of 32 and the love of my life realized he wasn’t ready to become a father. He’s never seen his daughter even though we live pretty close and I see him almost every day.
I sold my house at the age of 39 because I wanted to change my life.
I met a man and moved in with him. I had known that man since we were teenagers. I didn’t know he had remained the same age all his life, so i moved out pretty quickly.
I wrote a book at the age of 40, a book only for me. When the book was ready and I closed it, I said to myself… this is me, this is my life and this is who I am. I don’t want to give away a single second of that life, because with all my faults and all my imperfections, and even though I guard my heart quite well today, I’m proud of who I am and what I have become…
I love colors, I love the smell of wet paint and I love the way the colors work when mixing them on the palette. Sometimes when I start a painting, like the blue mountains, I know exactly what I want to paint. I was happy painting the blue mountains, I was inspired by some beautiful poetry and I wanted to paint the feeling of being on the top and not knowing what is underneath.
When the painting was ready, I looked at it and suddenly I felt the painting lacked something, it was too blue. I felt my painting needed a companion, someone by its side to complete, but also to differ. I had a photograph taken from my most favorite place in the world, a beach nearby where I live, but the photograph wasn’t of the sea itself, it was a peace of thin ice covering some rocks and some dead sea weed.
I put up a canvas beside the finished painting and started on the new one. I painted for a while before I realized that there was a reflection of my mountains in the thin ice. This is how I build my life, let the past reflect my future and yet not build a future exactly the same as the past.
My father didn’t talk much and he listened even less. You could talk to him for a long while and he was nodding, but at one point you always noticed that he didn’t listen. Usually that made me talk even more… I wanted to force him to listen by washing him with words.
I hate it when people don’t pay attention to what I say; I hate it when I don’t get a response to an email or when a call or text message isn’t returned. That makes me feel like a child again, and it makes me talk too much. I started to think that what I need is friends that talk, friends that share their thoughts and views so that I know what’s going on in their minds. I don’t want to second guess anyone; I want people to tell me what they feel. I always point out that communication is important for us to be able to understand and learn from each other.
Even though I hated it when my father was absent minded I did trust him. When I really needed him he was there and in his silent way he fixed what needed to be fixed. So I tend to trust those who listen more than those who only talk…
